Subjective Reality

2011-03-15T12:49:00.003-04:00

March 15, 2011

Lots has changed. Lots.

Since i last posted, I have separated from my husband. Things are rough. Where did it all start? I suppose it started in the beginning to be honest. He was always more "sexually inclined" than I was. In the year that we were to be married, I had herniated my disc in my back. It was months of therapy before i was "normal" again. In the interim, i was still expected to "perform" my "duties" as his partner. Its painful for me to post this. At that time I should have ended the engagement i know that now..but its hard to *know* that also because I have spent half of my life with this man. I have two children from the marriage so i cant entirely regret it yanno?
Things progressed. We were happy. Well..i was mostly happy anyway. Im not going to post all the details of the situation but things were never "right" in the bedroom. The things that were asked of me..i tried to comply with. But I see now that i should not have. He took what should have been an intimate and loving exchange between us..and turned it into a painful, emotionally unfulfiling event that lasted for hours at a time. Things became more...odd over time. I complied for a long while because i was under the impression that he was faithful..and i loved him and i didnt want to lose him. Time passed and we had two children. When my daughter was born, that was when i discovered his porn addiction. I tried again to be "ok" with it. But it became quickly apparent to me that his addiction was in control of our personal life. He demanded more...and in the end, i resisted more. I grew more depressed and more resentful of him and his inability to just love me as a human. I look back now and i dont think he ever did love me. Not *me*....perhaps just the idea of "me".

Life went on.

In Sept 2008...i found out that he had been looking at personal ads on Craigslist and other sites: "Men seeking women for discrete relationships".
He insisted that it was benign. I wanted to believe him. We went to counseling. I listened to his complaints regarding my "sins"..and i endeavored to change myself as much as possible. I did make alot of changes...but...it was pointless.

In January of 2010 i asked him if he was happy. He indicated that he was. He indicated that he was the happiest he had ever been and I asked him if he would be surprised to know that i was the most miserable i had ever been? He said nothing. No other words were spoken. I tried again a month later...and again, no conversation, no resolve, no interest.
I decided that the change had to come from me. I needed to see a councelor. I had two choices was the way i figured. Either i sort out my head and make peace with the fact that he was likely not being faithful to me....and accept him and accept my situation. OR...leave.

His reaction to my going to councelling..was extreme. His reaction to my desperation...was unacceptable. He tried more than once to manipulate me into a physical exchange with him. All he cared about was his physical need to "release"....again, it was always only about that. I refused time and again and his desperation was..unsettling and admittedly frightening. For the first time..i was actually afraid of him.
We went to councelling. All he was interested in doing in councelling though was to let me know how horrible i was as a human etc. He wasnt really interested in "fixing" anything. It was about him being "right". period.
May 2010 i took off my wedding ring...forever.

The summer passed with my trying to give him time to adjust to the inevitable. He tried to convince me otherwise many times. I drafted a separation agreement and he rejected signing it until August....WHEN he found an old friend that he had always been interested in. Then...he couldnt wait to get rid of me. I took advantage of his eagerness and i moved heaven and earth to go to the lawyer and draft up papers that would be equitable to both of us...but i had the childrens best interests in mind.
I didnt ask for spousal. I accepted a settlement that seemed somewhat fair...although he disagrees. Apparently he "worked harder" in our relationship than i did. Despite the fact that he appears to lose his job every 1.5 years. Im convinced that his repeated job loss is directly due to the fact that he is incapable of telling a simple truth to anyone.
But i digress.
Papers were signed in October. I found a perfect house in November. More on that later.
I got possession on Dec 20, 2010 and i moved on the 26th.

Since then, hes found a girlfriend..and has become more hateful and caustic to me. He emotionally black mails the children and twists everything around that i say. Its horrible.

Anyway, Ive restarted this blog to try to "journal" a bit. I have so much frustration and upset inside of me with regards to how quickly he has cast me aside and vilified me that i cant even breathe at times.
He is NOT the man that i thought he was. I cant believe how stupid i have been.

2008-11-23T21:48:00.003-05:00

OH FFS!

To summarize the past 6 mos. We took a homeless family in and let them live with us for 2 mos. I asked nothing from them and tried to move heaven and earth to keep them from being deported. In the end, we were taken advantage of. Then I had some "issues" with my husband (which we are still working on). And of late, I thought i had developed a true friendship with a woman that I ride the commuter train with and she had just finished walking all over me. Im so done with people it isnt funny. And people wonder why i have trust issues??

2008-11-09T11:36:00.002-05:00

*IF* I were to have a tattoo, this is what it would be.

2008-05-03T00:50:00.003-04:00

One year later.....

....and Madeleine McCann is still missing.

Why did they leave her alone??

*headshake*

2008-04-03T22:02:00.002-04:00

2008-03-23T01:46:00.003-04:00

Happy Easter

2008-03-09T23:31:00.004-04:00

Favorites

When I was younger, I spent some time deciding on my "favorites". These things seem to be important when you are in grade school and I had ensured that I would not be left out of these profound proclamations should I ever be quizzed.

Favorite color - purple. A colour that represented mysticism to me. It is the "unknown". The magic of the universe to me. A colour that I have come now to realize had some biblical and historical significance. Who knew at my tender age I would have been able to select something that came to have a revered meaning to it.

Favourite number - 27 and 9.

Favorite season - Autumn - a moderate season filled with joyful colours. The season often represents a latter part of a person's life in symbolic literary circles - but for me, the fall was always representative of new beginnings and happiness. It was always the start of school and of new friends. It was the promise of halloween and thanksgiving and Christmas to come. I still love the fall.

The problem with "favorites" always came to songs, books and movies. There were so many to choose from. So many that offered different pleasures to me personally that one could not choose. I can tell you my favorite artist. Loreena McKennitt. Why? I guess, she is like "purple" to me.
I still cannot tell you my favorite song. I can select song"s" that I really like. I can select song"s" that have some significance for me. I cannot pick one to be my favorite.
The same problem comes with books. I can say that after this past summer I definately rank the Harry Potter series at the top of my list. I waited until the J.K Rowling published all of them before I read them and this summer was a Potterpalooza festival for me as I ran through them all like butter and a hot knife. They were delicious - well written and pure pleasure.

Now we come to the movie section. Tonight, I just finished watching a movie that I thought was exemplary and ranks as one of 3 contenders for the "my favorite movie" title. Wit. The movie is called "Wit" with Emma Thompson. Before posting this addition to my blog I actually went looking to see if Emma Thompson had a website or *something* so that I could send a simple message to her. A message that would have just said: "Bravo! The best movie I have ever seen so far. Bravo!"
Alas, I could not find such a site so I have come to my blog mostly out of frustration at not being able to deliver my message.
The movie has an incredible dialogue, a fantastic delivery and Ms. Thompson is absolutely incredible as Vivian. Incredible. Incredible.
So, even though my reading audience is quite small - I just wanted to send a message out to Ms. Thompson and say: "Bravo".

Before I leave, I suspect that there may be a question about who the other two contenders are?
"Love actually" - another movie with Emma Thompson. It is a movie highlighting the lives of several people in it via vignettes and it illustrates the many faces of "love". It is fantastic.
And the last movie is a children's movie called "The Last Mimzy". The movie signifies "hope" to me.

Anyway. That's it. My "favorites".

2008-03-01T22:14:00.002-05:00

Illegal CIA abductions....is this what was behind Maher Arar??

http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?docId=7346868195629160466

2008-01-05T21:16:00.000-05:00

Dante's Prayer
by Loreena McKennitt

When the dark wood fell before me
And all the paths were overgrown
When the priests of pride say there is no other way
I tilled the sorrows of stone

I did not believe because I could not see
Though you came to me in the night
When the dawn seemed forever lost
You showed me your love in the light of the stars

Chorus:
Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

Then the mountain rose before me
By the deep well of desire
From the fountain of forgiveness
Beyond the ice and the fire

(Chorus)

Though we share this humble path alone
How fragile is the heart
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly
To touch the face of the stars

Breathe life into this feeble heart
Lift this mortal veil of fear
Take these crumbled hopes etched with tears
We'll rise above these earthly cares

(Chorus)

Please remember me...

2008-01-01T01:23:00.001-05:00

Rest in Peace......

2007-12-23T18:26:00.000-05:00

Well, the halls are decked, the tree is up and shining, the presents are wrapped, the food is ready to be prepared, and the guests are invited.

Merry Christmas too all!!!!

2007-12-20T21:14:00.001-05:00

2007-12-13T20:56:00.001-05:00

Iman Maleki ايمان مالكي

2007-11-09T09:52:00.000-05:00

Don't Forget the Music.........(click)

2007-11-08T21:59:00.000-05:00

Kitty

2007-10-31T19:30:00.000-04:00

Safe Halloween!

The time of year where the front lawns turn into cemetaries and little ninja's and princess bride's roam the night.......Happy Halloween!!

2007-10-08T13:27:00.000-04:00

28 seconds: The killing of Fouad Kaady

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

2007-09-27T09:21:00.001-04:00

Newstarget.com

A New Epidemic

2007-09-26T10:12:00.001-04:00

2007-09-19T15:47:00.001-04:00

2007-09-16T19:40:00.000-04:00

An excellent article and a good review:

Lies, beatings, secret trials: the dark side of police handling Madeleine case
15.09.07

According to his friends, Chief Inspector Goncalo Amaral of the Portuguese Policia Judiciaria, co-leader of the investigation into the disappearance of Madeleine McCann from the Mark Warner Ocean Club in Praia da Luz, is a dedicated and capable detective, determined to do whatever it takes to find her – or those responsible for murdering her.

As a foreign reporter in Portugal, it is difficult to form a view. Thanks to the country's stringent judicial secrecy laws, Amaral is officially forbidden from talking to the media.

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Suspect: Chief Inspector Goncalo Amaral, who is leading the hunt for Madeleine McCann, is to be questioned over the torture of Leonor Cipriano

I confronted the sweaty, corpulent figure in an ill-fitting jacket twice last Friday: the first time at 10am, as he sat slurping coffee and cakes at the Kalahary cafe in Portimao with his colleague, Chief Inspector Guillermino Encarnacao; the second just before 3pm, when the two men made their way from a restaurant to a waiting black Mercedes, in which they were driven 400 yards to meet officials at the courthouse.

The reaction was the same both times: "No speak! No speak!" was all Amaral would say, making a swatting motion as though batting away an insect.

But Amaral's official silence is not the only difference between him and his counterparts in Britain.

In the UK, it is unlikely he would be leading the McCann inquiry at all.

Madeleine's parents Kate and Gerry may never be charged with anything, despite their present status as arguidos, or official suspects, and by the end of last week, apparently well-placed sources were admitting that any case against them is circumstantial and weak.

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A MOTHER'S AGONY: Leonor Cipriano in 2004 with a poster of her missing daughter Joana.

Amaral, however, is in a similar position. He, too, is an arguido, facing possible trial on a serious criminal charge arising from a murder case brought to court in 2004, the last occasion a little girl vanished in the Algarve.

The Mail on Sunday can today reveal new details of this case, the subject of a draconian judicial order that has stopped most sources who know about the case from talking to the Portuguese Press.

According to the order, documents about the case have been restricted to a handful of officials, while the next stage of the process – a hearing at which Amaral and four fellow officers may be asked formal questions – will be conducted in secret.

It is believed that this is set for next month.

Three of Amaral's senior PJ colleagues have been made suspects for the torture of the missing girl's mother, Leonor Cipriano, who has been convicted of killing her daughter Joana, aged eight, and jailed for 16 years.

As for Amaral, the claim against him is "omisado de denuncia" – that he tried to hide the evidence of the alleged torture or, in other words, attempted a cover-up. He is said to deny it strenuously.

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Leonor bruised and battered after her 'confession' to Portuguese police. She is now in prison, convicted of Joana's murder

In internet blogs and newspaper columns, Amaral's supporters have claimed that the Cipriano case is built on lies – a vicious smear against a decent detective trying to do his job.

It has, they say, "no connection" to the Madeleine McCann inquiry.

Experienced lawyers in Portimao, the town 12 miles from Praia da Luz where Amaral is PJ chief, disagree.

The case against the detectives began as a complaint lodged by Cipriano's lawyer, they pointed out, but has now been adopted by the public prosecutor.

"In order to bring formal charges, the public prosecutor has to believe there is a strong case," said Oliveira Trindad, who has practised law in the area for more than ten years.

"That means that after assessing all the evidence, he thinks that if the case goes to trial, a conviction is more likely than not."

That decision is likely to be made well before the McCann case is closed.

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Searching questions: Some of the police hunting for Madeleine

There are, to be sure, many differences between Leonor Cipriano and Kate McCann.

But there are also similarities, starting with the fact that although the bodies of their daughters have not been found, Amaral and his PJ colleagues have long been convinced that both girls are dead.

No one would suggest that in the course of the marathon interrogations that preceded their departure from Portugal last weekend, Kate or Gerry McCann were the victims of physical violence.

But at times it seemed they were also being subjected to torment, albeit of a different, psychological kind.

It, too, say Portimao's criminal defence lawyers, may have been inspired by PJ officers desperate to achieve the end they sought with Cipriano – a confession.

It isn't hard to locate the source of some of the McCanns' current difficulties: Hugo Beaty's bar.

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Madeleine McCann has been missing since May 3

There, amid the burnt orange concrete of the Estrela apartment complex, a five-minute walk from the Ocean Club, most of the seats along the shady terrace and more inside will be taken all day by reporters with laptops, authors of a daily verbal torrent that has come to seem unstoppable.

After Kate and Gerry's abrupt return to Leicestershire last Sunday, almost nothing happened in the McCann case last week.

The only verified fact is that after considering a ten-volume PJ dossier about Madeleine's disappearance on May 3, Pedro Miguel dos Anjos Frias, a junior judge in Portimao, decided to grant certain requests made by the prosecutor, Joao Cunha de Magalhaes.

Every news outlet covering the story – a waterfront that now extends across the whole of Europe to the major American TV networks and even, unbelievably, a paper in war-torn Somalia – has stated that these requests were for warrants to seize items including Kate McCann's private diary, Gerry's computer and (though this seems slightly less certain) Madeleine's beloved cuddle cat.

There is, however, nothing approaching official confirmation of these claims.

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Gerry and Kate McCann have both been named as official suspects by Portugese police

Like everything else about the case, the details of the prosecutor's approach to the judge are covered, supposedly, by the judicial secrecy laws, under which the penalty – in theory – for making unauthorised disclosures is two years in prison.

Thus it is that like almost everything else being broadcast and published beyond Portugal's borders about the hunt for Madeleine, the claim that the police want to read Kate's diary has reached its audience via Hugo Beaty's bar.

Every day there starts the same way shortly after it opens at 9am, with an informal briefing to the foreign Press by a locally resident British woman who normally makes a meagre living acting as an occasional interpreter – for the Policia Judiciaria.

Every morning, the woman – who asked me not to publish her name – goes through the Portuguese tabloids and translates their ever-more febrile articles.

Every afternoon, the foreigners – almost none of whom can speak more than the most basic Portuguese, nor claim a single, genuine source inside the police investigation – recycle the tales for consumers abroad.

Portuguese police reportedly fear that they will never find Madeleine McCann's body

By the end of last week, some of the assertions made by the Portuguese had become part of a settled consensus.

For example, it was reported from Berlin to Baltimore that the police had already made a photocopy of Kate's diary – which, if true, would mean they had broken the law – and merely wanted to obtain the judge's approval to use it as evidence.

The reason they are so keen on it, it was alleged, is that it suggests she found her children "hyperactive" and difficult to handle, while railing at her husband's allegedly dilatory, hands-off approach.

The claims about the diary's contents were first published on Thursday by Jose Manuel Ribeiro, crime correspondent for the Lisbon daily Diario de Noticias.

By chance I ran into him that same afternoon, outside the apartment where Madeleine disappeared.

I congratulated him on his scoop, but he shook his head, disconsolate. Already, he complained, it was turning to dust.

Ribeiro said he had been given the story by an impeccable inside source, but already officials in Lisbon were denying it, and the source himself could no longer assure him it was true.

"Why is bad information getting out to the public?" he asked. "Because we're being given it."

Somehow, however, the denials that had made Ribeiro so angry did not get through to the foreigners.

If the questionable leak had been planted for a purpose – to increase the pressure on the hapless McCanns – it may well have succeeded.

And, in the foreign public's mind, the germinating notion that Kate might have killed her daughter because she could not handle her had been nurtured by a further dollop of manure.

A similar, apparently sanctioned but inaccurate leak had already gone around the world to still more devastating effect.

Early on Monday evening, TV channels began to report that British forensic scientists had made a "100 per cent" DNA match to Madeleine from "biological material" – said to be hair and "bodily fluids" – recovered from the Renault Scenic that the McCanns did not hire until 25 days after she vanished, suggesting that they had hidden her body on May 3 and moved it weeks after her death.

With no time for reporters to make checks before their deadlines, the story spread like foot and mouth to almost every British front page the next morning.

It was only in the ensuing days that it began, spectacularly, to unravel.

The match was not 100 per cent after all, it transpired, but 80 per cent or less – a level that, according to Professor Alec Jeffries, DNA matching's inventor, might mean that the material had not come from Madeleine at all, but another member of her family.

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Gerry and Kate McCann, pictured today, have been told by UK lawyers that Portuguese authorities would have difficulty prosecuting them if they do not find Madeleine's body

Even if it had, other experts said, it would prove very little.

Among readers who followed the forensic details, the case against the McCanns had been seen to suffer damage.

But others were left with a clear impression – that the PJ now believed they had real evidence that the McCanns must have been responsible for Madeleine's (still unconfirmed) death.

As for those who still harboured doubts, more rococo "revelations" were being published widely by the end of the week, such as the claim that having bundled Madeleine's body into the car, the McCanns drove it to the marina in nearby Lagos.

There they are said to have hired a boat, swore its owner into their conspiracy, then sailed into the Atlantic, into which they tipped their child, weighted down with rocks.

Could such stories really be part of a conscious PJ strategy? Some lawyers around the Portimao courthouse believe that they could.

"Portuguese journalists aren't just making this stuff up," said Oliveira Trindad.

"They are getting it from the police, of course, and the justice officers, the people working for the prosecutors. It's obvious that some information is coming from the PJ."

Some of it, he added, appears to be accurate – so making it that much easier for the same sources to seed disinformation.

Another Portimao lawyer, who asked not to be named, claimed the PJ was fighting a "propaganda war" with the McCanns.

"It is the fault of the British Press," he said.

"They were the ones who started saying, 'You're no good, you're no good.'

"If you say a lie like that many times, so many people believe it. You cannot blame the PJ for wanting to hit back."

But there might be another reason.

"Some people think journalists pay their PJ sources," the second lawyer said, citing a case where an officer from Lisbon is facing criminal charges after being caught red-handed copying secret documents about a fraud case, allegedly for private profit.

"But they also have an interest in the case and its coverage."

With the forensic evidence apparently confused and contradictory, "it seems the main goal of the PJ now is to get a confession. It's like in the films, 'Aha, we have a confession, let's take them to court.'

"It's normal to want a confession when they don't have much else."

Intense interrogation of the McCanns has so far failed. But perhaps, the lawyer implied, using the media might be another way of applying the third degree.

"I want to believe that the Portuguese police do everything the right way," said Joao Grade, the lawyer for Leonor Cipriano.

"But sometimes, if they really think someone is guilty, as they did with Leonor, they may find other ways to get what they want. It's only human.

"When they believe someone has killed a child, it's normal that they will apply pressure.

"In the McCann case, it seems that the police have what they consider half-proofs.

"But it's not airtight, it doesn't interlock, so maybe they need more."

As he spoke, I found myself recalling British miscarriages of justice: cases such as the Birmingham Six, wrongly convicted of IRA pub bombings that killed 21, where the police, under tremendous pressure to "get a result", built dishonest but convincing prosecutions based around confessions.

Could the same thing be happening to the McCanns? The pressure on the police is certainly intense.

The loss of a child evokes horror everywhere. On the Algarve, however, the need to solve the case – and, perhaps, not to leave the fear that Madeleine was killed or abducted by an unknown paedophile – has other roots as well.

"The Algarve is a family destination, and situations like this are not agreeable to anyone," said Elderico Viegas, the regional tourism authority president.

"Our reputation for safety is one of our most important values – especially with the British, who make up our biggest market."

And Algarve tourism, worth about £2.8billion a year and growing rapidly, is, Viegas said, the single biggest component of the entire Portuguese economy.

The police had, he added, mishandled the media, giving rise to damaging speculation.

"But for me, the details are not important. What's important is the economy. I was born and brought up here and I can't remember the last time a tourist was murdered." So far, he added, visitor numbers this year are up.

Central to many British miscarriages of justice was a shared, deeply ingrained belief among police and prosecutors that their suspects "had" to be guilty.

With the Birmingham Six, it was founded on botched forensic tests that "told" investigators that the men had been handling the explosive nitroglycerine – false positives that arose because they had been playing with cards coated in the harmless chemical nitrocellulose.

In Praia da Luz, there are signs of a similar mindset at work, derived from equally tendentious "evidence".

For example, said a local source who knows several of the PJ inquiry team, from an early stage detectives laid great weight on Kate McCann's apparent composure when she appeared in public.

One of the strangest aspects of Portuguese coverage of the case has been frequent recourse to media psychologists, who have made all manner of deductions about her personality and state of mind by "analysing" her TV image, claiming that the absence of tears and presence of carefully applied make-up indicates a "cold", "manipulative" or even "psychopathic" personality.

In other words, someone capable of reacting instantly to the death of her daughter, whether deliberate or accidental, by deciding that she had to hide the body and conceal what had happened, and able to persuade her husband and perhaps other "accomplices" to go along with her plot.

Disturbingly, said the local source, such analysis has not been confined to the media.

"Pretty early on, they had forensic psychologists in, studying hours of video footage, drawing extremely unfavourable conclusions about Kate's personality," she said.

"You could say she's been damned by her stiff upper lip."

There have been reported claims that Kate McCann had "confessed" to killing Madeleine to a local Catholic priest.

But the Rev Hubbard Haynes, the Anglican vicar who lives in Praia da Luz and got closer to the McCanns than anyone during their months in Portugal, refuted them with controlled fury.

A young, passionate Canadian, who took up his post a week after Madeleine's disappearance, he said: "When I mention Maddie, Gerry and Kate in my own prayers, I find myself weeping.

"I have gone out into the fields and looked in the hedgerows, begging God for some sign that will help us find her, and I have wept because He has not given it to us yet.

"All I can say is that my tears are as nothing to the tears I have seen shed by Kate and Gerry.

"They may not have cried for the cameras, but to say they do not weep in private is facile and offensive.

"The man and woman I have known for the past four months are a couple whose lives have become unbearably empty because their little girl was missing.

"I do not recognise those people in recent media reports, and I find the idea that they had anything to do with her disappearance just inconceivable.

"There is great evil in this world, and someone has taken this child."

Other aspects of the emerging mindset against the McCanns seemed equally questionable.

Several Portuguese lawyers and journalists, along with a uniformed police officer from the National Republican Guard I spoke to outside the Ocean Club apartment, told me solemnly not only that the McCanns and their friends were "swingers" who had taken their holiday together to indulge in group sex (an assertion made repeatedly by the Portuguese Press), but that "everyone knows" that its tolerance of orgies is the Mark Warner Ocean Club resort's main selling point.

One afternoon I decided to test this proposition, approaching two holiday reps there, dressed in their red Mark Warner sweatshirts. "Er, is this a good place for swingers, then?" I asked.

They looked at me in total bafflement. "Swingers?" one replied.

"Look around you, sir. Most of our guests are retired, or families with children."

Another assertion published several times last week is that, on the night that Madeleine disappeared, the McCanns phoned Sky TV before contacting the police – another claim echoed by the uniformed cop.

Outside the Portimao courthouse, I asked Sky's reporter Ashish Joshi if he thought this might be true.

He rolled his eyes wearily. "It's just nonsense," he said.

"The first anyone at Sky knew about Maddy was when the story appeared on the Press Association wire.

"I was asked about this just yesterday by a Portuguese reporter. I told him it was crap. And this morning, his paper printed it."

I passed this on to the Republican Guard officer, but he was unmoved.

His unit, he said, had handled the case in its early stages, and from the start he and his colleagues had been convinced there was something fishy about the McCanns.

"My partner was there on the night of May 3," he said, "and I can tell you, that apartment was full of people, Kate was screaming – and yet her twins didn't wake up.

"How do you explain that? They must have been drugged. Nobody on the force believed their story about a kidnap for a moment.

"That little girl is dead, for sure. Soon you will see the truth."

Why the need for such bizarre allegations? The answer, I believe, is that there is a massive hole at the heart of the emerging PJ theory.

When Madeleine disappeared the McCanns did not have a car.

The Ocean Club is in the middle of a busy resort, and the notion that somehow the McCanns found a way to conceal her without transport, and then went to dinner with their friends as if nothing were amiss is beyond credibility.

One Portuguese journalist suggested to me that they might have hidden her on a scrubby headland a few minutes' walk away.

But as I found when I attempted to go for a run there, at night it is inhabited by feral dogs, whose barking would have made the digging of some putative shallow grave impossible.

The PJ enjoys a high reputation in Portugal.

"They are ranked among the top five police forces in the world," attorney Trindad said, albeit admitting he did not know the source of this curious international ranking.

Most PJ officers are graduates, and would-be entrants face severe competition, with a battery of psychometric, physical and academic tests before they can even be considered for the PJ training school.

The force's Press office likes to compare the PJ to the American FBI: "We are an elite," spokeswoman Ana Mouro said.

But beneath the veneer, as the case of Leonor Cipriano suggests, the reality can look less impressive.

"She is nothing like Kate McCann," her lawyer Joao Grade said.

"She is very poor, with maybe only three years of schooling, and her children have several fathers.

"She did not get to meet the Pope and she did not have the support of Sky and the BBC.

"But I tell you this: if Kate had been treated like Leonor, she would have done what Leonor did – ended by saying, 'OK, OK, I'm guilty, and this is how I did it.'"

The special judicial order – imposed on top of the usual Portuguese secrecy – means not only that Grade is prevented from disclosing virtually anything about the Cipriano case, but that pre-trial hearings of the charges against the detectives, due as soon as next month, will be held in camera.

The Mail on Sunday has established crucial alleged details from other legal sources in Portimao.

After Joana disappeared in September 2004, Leonor was arrested by the PJ in Portimao on October 14 at 8am.

Held there and in the city of Faro without access to a lawyer, she was interrogated without sleep for 22 hours.

Then, after a two-hour respite, she was interrogated again until 7am on October 16.

By this time, as photos published by the Portuguese media make clear, her face was a mass of bruises.

According to Grade: "Not just her face but her whole body was black and blue."

The police said she "tried to commit suicide" by throwing herself down stairs.

If the alleged torture was to force a confession, it succeeded – only for Leonor to withdraw it when she finally saw her lawyer the next day.

The supporters of the accused police have claimed that the officers must be innocent because Cipriano could not pick out her alleged attackers in an identity parade.

However, according to the sources in Portimao, this is because they are not alleged to have beaten her themselves, but to have brought in paid thugs.

In any event, she was convicted and sentenced to 21 years.

Last June, this was reduced on appeal to 16 – though one of the five appeal court judges issued a dissenting opinion, stating that he was convinced she had been assaulted in custody and was innocent.

If the criminal case against the PJ officers does lead to convictions, Grade said, she will appeal again. He has also lodged a case in the European Court of Human Rights.

Strangely enough, Chief Inspector Goncalo Amaral is not the only link between the Cipriano and McCann cases. Another of the senior officers who is now an arguido is the recently retired Chief Inspector Paulo Pereira Cristovao.

He is one of the McCanns' principal scourges – not as a detective, but in his new capacity as a columnist for Diario de Noticias, among the most active of Portuguese newspapers in its pursuit of stories about Madeleine derived from leaks.

"There is another link between the Cipriano and McCann cases," a Portimao lawyer claimed.

"You know, it's like if Manchester United lose a big game: next week the pressure they have to win is very big.

"The PJ are beginning to worry that now they might lose the Cipriano case.

"If that happens, they have to win with the McCanns."

Of course, there is yet another connection.

If Leonor Cipriano did not kill Joana, the chances of discovering the truth – or indeed her body – are now remote.

And as the McCanns have stated repeatedly, if they are innocent, the enormous effort being poured into trying to blame them is effort diverted from the search for a missing four-year-old girl, and the person or persons who abducted her.

That is a thought so grim that it almost makes one wish that the mindset so evident around Praia da Luz had a real foundation.

My fear is that it has as much solidity as the sandcastles on the beach.

• David Rose has been investigating miscarriages of justice for 25 years and has written several books on the subject.

The most recent, Violation, about a serial murder case in America, was published by Harper Press in 2007.

2007-09-12T09:01:00.000-04:00

Madeleine McCann revisited.....

Some of you know that I have been following this case fairly closely since May 3 when little Madeleine disappeared. My family is from Portugal, my daughter has the same name and is roughly the same age...and resembles her a bit. Amazing really how many little girls look like her....but I digress.

I don't really know what to think.
When the McCanns were first identified as suspects I completely poo-pooed it as a cover up by the inept Portuguese police. I will say that no matter what comes of this, my opinion on the Portuguese police will not change: they are STUPID beyond belief and have bungled much of this case. Again i digress. I originally wouldn't even consider the possibility that Maddie's parents were involved somehow. It still makes no real sense to me and seems utterly illogical.

*IF*...and its a big *IF* what they say is true, then:
*Madeleine McCann would have had to have been killed....by accident likely by her seemingly stable and loving parents.
*Her parents would have had to hide her body and whatever evidence successfully and incredulously to me...CALMLY.
*Act calmly and jovially at dinner.....in order to stage an abduction.
*Stand by and allow an innocent party like Robert Murat to be raked over the coals
*Launch a world wide campaign to further defraud millions of people and take advantage of their generosity (including me).
*Manage to hide her body AND move it without notice despite the multitude of media hounds on them practically 24/7 AND hide/dispose of the body in complete secrecy. <----this is the most unlikely point of them all for me.

Frankly.....I tend to believe in the "good" of the general public...so I am having a really difficult time swallowing this pill. It really seems implausible. Not impossible...but implausible. I don't know what to believe. *IF* its true that they found bodily fluids that THE BRITISH specialists can confirm....then shit..i don't know what to believe. Its compelling i will admit.

I don't really know which i prefer to believe:

1. ...that there are pedophile rings who stalk children and snatch them from their beds at night....and further subject them to horrific acts. A scenario that represents every mothers "boogie-man" and irrationally threatens my own children in my nightmares and makes me feel vulnerable.

2. ...to have seemingly ordinary and apparently wonderful (albeit negligent) parents have the calculating, cold hearted capacity to pull this off. A scenario that does not threaten my children irrationally but threatens to unravel my naive trust and hope in the goodness of humanity....that threatens the most basic sanctity that mothers (and fathers) would die before letting harm befall their children.

....shit man. I want to go back to believing in Santa because this is just too unbearable to process.

I choose to be idealistic.
I will continue to pray with ~ALL~ of my heart and soul for the children of this world.....and I will pray that Madeleine McCann is alive and living well and living with a childless couple who stole her to fill the void in their hearts.

**photos were pilfered from some rag newspaper site somewhere***

2007-09-03T20:52:00.001-04:00

OMFG!!

My youngest baby starts school full time tomorrow........guh. I *swear* it was yesterday that I brought her home from the hospital.......

2007-09-01T12:02:00.000-04:00

Labor Day weekend.....

There are commercials to the CNE on the television and on the billboards....that's how we Toronto-people know that the summer is ending and school is starting imminently. It was a great summer....short...too short. I am finding time keeps racing while i try desperately to grab a handful of it to slow it down. It's freaking me out. Summertime around here included:

- Popsicles melting in the sun
- trips to friends cottages
- sweaty children and dirty clothes
- countless trips to the local watering holes (splash pads, pools etc)
- declarations of boredom
- healthy glowing skin and lost hats
- a trip to Niagara Falls and a 3 night stay in a hotel. Kids *loved* that.
- eating lunches outdoors while squealing at the lazy buzzing wasps hovering
- picking the veggies for dinner from our vegetable garden
- play dates with friends
- working on the garden and building projects outdoors
- laughing children
- fireworks
- playing in the playhouse with every single stuffed animal that lives in this house
- trips to the mall
- bug hunting in the backyard

and last but not least:
- the obligatory trip to Ontario Place and the CNE (of course).

*sigh*

My baby is going into Grade 1 and my oldest Grade 3. I don't think that there will be another summer quite like this one.

2007-08-24T01:15:00.001-04:00

2007-07-29T00:39:00.000-04:00

Huh...wonder why the map counter reset?? It looked cool with all the different dots on the map.....now I have 6!
*zoikes*.
dang.

..and I think my flag counter is gone. Double dang.

2007-07-20T01:06:00.000-04:00

Maps....excellent blog submission.....

If you could pull a string from where you are right now to the other side of the planet...where would you be? Antipodes

More on Antipodes

2007-07-19T00:13:00.000-04:00

Full Circle

....I mentioned briefly that I have become lately fixated on Facebook. It is an interesting phenomenon really.....connecting with people. You start off with some innocuous people in your life....and then it spreads out.
You start seeking out the past.
You start to seek out people that you haven't spoken with, thought of, or interacted with in years...years and years and years.

And there they are.

Living their lives.
With some, you pick up where you left off without missing a beat, and with others the strained distrust and confusion takes over. I know I'm not the only one "seeking" at this time....Ive been contacted by a few people....even tonight someone from a lonnng time ago (not on facebook) called me out of the blue. Is it all coincidence?

When i was living in "the past", i couldn't wait to get away from it. It wasn't a pleasant time for me. High school was not the sunny fun filled place that it is often portrayed as. There were never hoards of friends that i "hung around" with. There aren't people that i pine for now either. There are only people that i wonder about.
Now, i am here looking back.
Why am i looking back?
My memories and ruminations are definitely more tempered and kinder than the reality was....and yet, i am under no disillusion about how uncomfortable that time was for me. So why look back now when i swore i never would? is it because i turned 40? am i trying to reconcile emotions long buried, yet somehow still intact? the broken memories trickle into my head at the most inopportune time. Am i seeking clarity? is it a more pragmatic reason? is it because i now have kids and i am desperately seeking guidance from my past self to help temper their passage throughout their future adolescence? to cushion it?
I have no freaking clue.

2007-07-16T21:38:00.000-04:00

Random nonsensical update ....

I just ran through my blog from beginning to end. I didn't realize that I wrote as much as I did. huh. I just discovered my husband's cousins blog....did you get that? I really like her..and I am contemplating giving her my blog Addy...dunno though....will have to think on it. Only one person in real life has this blog Addy.....and it admittedly makes me a bit worried at times. Anyway.... the update.
Last week:
*threw out my back on Monday prior to going to my kids eye check up.
*does anyone here remember the "issues" with my sons vision? Raise your hand if you do.....well...his "bad" eye has not improved at all. Its seems to be settling in at 20/60 or 20/50 at best...corrected. Corrected... that is WITH his glasses.
His good eye is at 20/25 corrected...which is awesome. So...he is patching 24/7 for the next 3 weeks. Week 1 is done. Today's appointment wasn't any better than last week's appointment. *IF* his vision doesn't improve for that eye in the next two weeks.....we will have to "redefine" our expectations for his vision according to the opthamologist...and i have no clue what that means.
guh. (if that entry was confusing....too bad lol)
*lay on the back most of last week....as per the "thrown out back" (see above).
*my grandfather isn't much more improved than he was back in November. From the time that my grandmother died, he went from a functioning, walking, talking, self feeding man to a man who sits in his wheelchair and cant talk, cant feed himself and must wears diapers. Its so utterly depressing.
*had a very important meeting with some big wigs at work...it went well. I don't have the time, energy nor the inclination to explain it in detail so this will have to suffice. All you need to know is i stressed about it for months...and it went super duper well.
* kid goes on another trip tomorrow and I'm naturally freaked about it. Why does it have to rain, or threaten to rain on every trip?? !
*discovered "Facebook" and Ive been spending too much time frittering away on that...contacting people from my past. I predict a whiny future post on the psychological effects of delving into your past after 20 years of not thinking about it.

2007-07-04T21:08:00.000-04:00

Save the child; Sacrifice the childhood....

As established before...I am an overprotective worry wort mother. Its true. I worry about everything and when it comes to my kids...my worry is limitless.
Its truly counterproductive and unhealthy.

*sigh*

My oldest is 8 years old. A few months ago, there was a bus accident 10 Kms from my house. The school bus driver lost control of the bus on the highway and the bus ended up in the centre median on the highway. All it did was do a wicked fishtail. The bus did not roll over or hit anything. Many children ended up with broken bones....but more importantly, one child died from a severe head injury. He was 8 also. Needless to say, i have wrapped that knowledge around me every night like a macabre blanket....feeding it, nurturing it....and obsessing.
On my sons last school trip, I drove him rather than have him go on the bus. I followed the bus in the car and dropped him off with his classmates when we reached our destination so he could partake in the trip. At the end of the day, I collected my son and drove him back home following the bus again. The sensible part of me was locked away in a dark vault in the back of my mind......and it howled and fought to get out. I knew that what i was doing was actually more detrimental to my kid than just putting him on that bus and letting him go with his classmates. I knew that i was taking a part of the dark fear that lives inside me, and seeding in my sons heart.
I knew.
Tomorrow, is another school trip with the summer camp. On a bus. Likely on the highway. These trips happen twice a week for the entire summer. I rearranged my entire work schedule in order to be able to go on these trips....in order to drive him. I overheard my son talking to a friend of his about this. He told him that I was driving him so that he could be safe; that he was afraid of the bus tipping or something. It stopped me dead in my tracks. What the hell am I doing?
I want my kids to be safe and to grow old...but at what cost? My mother has already made me so scared about everything...do I really want to pass that heirloom on to my children??
So.
I spoke to him tonight. We talked about the likelihood of something "bad" happening and that he was pretty much safe to go. He expressed his anxiousness, and I listened. I listened to him echo the words and fears that he "borrowed" from me. I say "borrowed" because I hope I am not too late. I hope that the damage that Ive done can be reversed and I hope that my kid isn't afraid of living life like I am. I don't want him to be a risk taker...but I also don't want him living in a closet afraid of the boogie man like I am.
So dear reader....here I sit writing this. Feeling scared. Feeling worried. Knowing that I am doing the right thing, but wishing I had a paper bag to breathe into.

2007-06-28T21:41:00.001-04:00

Puppy Love is a Bitch....

and on the heels of "my babies are growing up" whine....we have a calamity in our midst. My son was sad tonight...honest to goodness sad. Crying, sobbing..the whole enchilada. Why? What it boiled down to was that his "girlfriend" was mean to him today. Oh Lord..he is 8.
Thing of it is...she *is* breaking his heart...i feel for him, truly. Ive tried to warn him for the past 2 years....yes, this love affair has been going on since they were both 6. Anyway...Ive tried to warn him that shes a "bad girl"...aka, slutty bitch. Yes..the signs are all pointing to that even at the age of 8 (hell the signs were there at the age of 6!). She manipulates him...takes advantage of his good nature and holds his emotions hostage. Personally...i want to rip her eyes out for hurting my son.
*sigh*.
So it starts.

I haven't got the foggiest on what to do with all of this. I listened to him talk about it for the past hour....tried to offer some "motherly" advice without being judgemental.....no clue if it helped.

2007-06-27T21:55:00.000-04:00

I have two children.
I really wish i could have a third.

I have no idea if i can physically have one or not, that's not the issue. Its just that at this time, my lifestyle really no longer allows for it. I'm 40 for one thing and I really don't want to have a child so late in my "procreation years". I *finally* have a career that is on track. I had that in the sidelines essentially from when i graduated until recently because i wanted babies. We are regaining our financial track that we had been on a few years back. Unfortunately due to some bad luck we found ourselves in a financial pinch and ended up in a bit of debt. Emotionally and hormonally I don't think its a good idea at all. The children that I already have took their toll on my that way.
We have two beautiful children. Why do i want...have always wanted a third? I have no idea.
Of late, I've been wondering if its because i mourn the time that has zipped cruelly by and robbed me of the infants that i once had. Is it because i miss my children as babies so much? I love the ages they are now. Maybe it is because i am afraid to close my eyes and go to sleep because when i wake up it will be 5, 10, 20 years later and they will have grown...*Just*...*Like*...*That*

*FINGER SNAP*.

Guh. I am obviously melancholy. I wish...so much I wish, like so many other mother's have wished....that I could go back in time and rock my infant son and my infant daughter to sleep once more. To feel their soft touch and their soft breath on my skin and to feel their heart beating in time to the pulse of my soul.

2007-06-26T22:54:00.000-04:00

Graduation Day

Today my daughter graduated from kindergarten to grade 1.
I know...... I know...for you people out there without kids, it's really stupid. But man o' man...for a mom and dad...and the little proud graduate, the day held as much significance as if she were graduating from her Masters degree.

I have spent the year volunteering in her classroom every Friday afternoon. An opportunity I might add that was priceless and I really think that every adult should go back to kindergarten in their lives....it truly gives you a greater appreciation for what teachers really do. Today was my last day of kindergarten also lol.....and I was there for all the rehearsal and all the prep work. The kids were so excited, so thrilled with the event...so proud.

Things I want to remember about my daughter today:
* the way you were so solemn for this momentous occasion even while so many other classmates dissolved in a fit of giggles repeatedly. You were so committed to an image of decorum. It was hilarious.
* the way you informed me prior to your "walk of pride" that you were going to hold your skirt just so....and then you remembered to do exactly that.
* the way you insisted that the daycare people call me in the morning to tell me that you were very nervous about the graduation and could I please bring Baby Tina (your favorite doll) along to watch you get your diploma.
* the way you instructed me to take care of Baby Tina prior to coming to ensure that she had eaten and gone to the washroom lol.
* the way you proudly remembered your lines for your bit in the song and presentation.
* the way you helped me select your dress the night before and your earrings and your shoes.
* the fact that you and one other girl were the smallest in the class and that the tallest boy towered over you by a full head and shoulders.

I am proud of you...and I love you very much.

2007-06-15T10:25:00.000-04:00

I am still obsessed with Madeleine McCann.

Why her and not other missing children?.....I'm not certain. Perhaps its because my daughter has the same name and is roughly the same age.....and even resembles her. Perhaps its because I am Portuguese by heritage and my grandparents live...lived in the Algarve. Perhaps its because they are a middle class close nit family like mine. I'm not sure. But..I think about her as much as I think about my children when I am not with them....and I got to bed every night with her name on my lips in prayer.

She is naturally still missing.

I am the first to say that what the parents of Madeleine McCann did was stupid and reckless. I can only imagine the guilt that they must be living with. However, I am utterly appalled at the insensitive comments and downright hatred that I keep coming across on the Internet and in my daily dealings with people. Its astounding.
When it comes to safety....I'm over the top. It's arguably not a good thing. I have only ever left my kids in a reputable daycare...after i stalked and spied on it for 2 weeks straight to ease my fears. Other than that....I have only ever left them briefly with family....for a few hours when we have gone to the movies on those rare occasions. I have a monitor in my kids rooms still...my son is 8! Because I want to hear them *just in case*.
I could go on with insane things that i do, all in the name of "Keeping Them Safe". They are my life. I am the first to admit that I'm toooo focused on this and that I am overprotective.
I would never have done what the McCann's did leaving their children alone in bed.
Having said all that....it was a mistake..a stupid stupid mistake but it does NOT make them bad parents. They appear to be incredible parents. This public condemnation is coming from all sides and I think its really really sick. Many of my friends have condemned her....and yet, they all do the same sorts of things:
I have a friend who leaves her younger son in the car, WITH IT RUNNING AND THE DOORS UNLOCKED, while she takes her older daughter into school. I have another friend who leaves her daughter in the company of children (aka babysitters) all the time who are typically not much older than 14 yrs. Yet another mother I know, leaves her son in the company of strangers (aka babysitters) whom she only met once. They come over, she meets them...and leaves. One smokes pot when she is caring for her children....she says it "calms her down". Down the street from me, one mom that I know in passing lets her 3 boys run amok. They are between the ages of 9 and 3. They are *always* in the back field behind our houses playing, unsupervised in the bushes. There are paths going everywhere....if anyone wanted to take them, it would be so easy.

The "WHAT IF's" that flood my mind in these situations and so many others that I see *daily* smother all other thoughts. Yet...these are the same ones who condemn the McCann's for their stupidity.

The McCann's are not abusers of their children. They appear to be terrific parents who did a stupid stupid thing. That's it..nothing more...nothing more insidious than what the majority of other parents do. I wish everyone would just focus all their energy on finding Madeleine...rather that coming up with stupid petitions to further complicate the lives of the McCann's.
So...if you are reading this and you are a condemner, I have only this to say to you....

2007-06-11T21:04:00.000-04:00

Brief update.... ...still on Jenny food - lost 10 lbs.
...still obsessed with reading about Madeleine Mccann.
...started looking for people on Facebook. Not necessarily a good thing. Meeting the "wrong" people at this point from my past I think.
...kinda bummed this evening....life is a bit...."difficult" at the moment.

Really wish I could just cry on someone shoulder.

2007-05-17T20:12:00.001-04:00

Madeleine McCann missing in Portugal. Have you seen her?
Please contact: +351 289 884 500, + 351 282 405 400, +351 218 641 000

Madeleine McCann desapareceu em Portugal. Tem informações sobre o seu paradeiro?
Por favor contacte: 289 884 500, 282 405 400, 218 641 000, 112

2007-05-13T21:38:00.000-04:00

Sorry....

I've just been sooooOoooooo busy....even now I don't have time to blog anything of consequence.

I do ask though that you all (all 6 of you who read this lol), keep Madeleine McCann in your thoughts and prayers.

2007-04-30T21:19:00.000-04:00

Week 2.

I'm no longer starving. At worst, I am "peckish" from time to time. I've lost about 5 lbs so far which is good. The big problem right now is remembering to drink water. I usually only drink when I am thirsty....

2007-04-23T13:12:00.000-04:00

Day 3....

Well....the first day on the Jenny (starvation) diet was brutal. I couldn't believe how small the portion sizes were in comparison to my usual porker size. Added to that, I *must* snack a ton more than I realize because **ALL** I could think about was ~food~.

Food, food food.
*sigh*.

The second day was on sunday and I was looking at my offspring with a new appreciation on why mice and other animals eat their young. My little girl is 5 and still has lovely squishy baby fat....she looked yummy lol.
I have eaten more veggies in these 2 days than I have all month.

Today...the hunger is still there, but it isn't as urgent today. Given that this is actually a post with words and that it is all about my diet...its quite obvious that food is still forefront on my mind.

2007-04-20T21:30:00.000-04:00

Have you called Jenny??

I did...today. Pray for me lol. I'm going to be very hungry.....

2007-04-18T21:28:00.000-04:00

The world is crazy....or is it just me.....

When did I start to define my life as a response to my fears?
It was early, I know that. I was never a risk taker...even as a child I was unnaturally cautious. I am brave in many ways....when the danger is facing me.....but the unknown and potential "what-ifs" is enough to make me crumple and fall apart in a heap of terror.
I hate this. I can't stop it and it holds me hostage from truly embracing life...MY life in all its glory.

Oddly I think that nurturing the fear is what keeps it at bay and lets me function.

I know this is all convoluted for you dear reader....but you see, a dear friend of mine was just diagnosed with myelodysplasic syndrome. Depending on the type he has...he may have as long as 10 years to live...or 1.
He is a husband, and a father of a 5 year old boy. He is my age.
I can't wrap my head around it. Between that, the shootings in the south...and the unnecessary bus accident that happened close to my house and claimed the life of a 9 yr old boy...the fear is running rampant. It owns me at the moment.

Ive been so busy in the past three weeks working overtime for my job.....and now that I am emerging from the work volume...I find myself blinking bleary eyed at the bright light of fear and apprehension.
My life is good...so good...and I am afraid of it stopping to be good. It's truly a recipe for disaster.
I need perspective.
Anyway......thats it from me tonight from cyberland.

2007-04-08T12:03:00.000-04:00

Happy Chocolate Egg and Fuzzy bunny day!

2007-04-07T14:18:00.000-04:00

GOD and The Blind men:

I barely passed grade 11 physics. I have no real comprehension of physics, but I ~really~ wish I did.

I read an article today discussing "Dark Matter". Of particular interest to me is the notion that upwards of 80% of matter and energy is "dark".....it must be to account for the anomalies of gravity etc. viewed in space and such. Yet, dark matter is invisible to x-rays, light or any other forms of electromagnetic radiation.

Now...I am not a religious person; I do consider myself to have a strong spiritual sense but definately not conforming to any organized doctorine. I can't help but think though of the story of the blind men viewing an elephant from different vantage points. One says that the elephant is like a snake - long and flexible. One says that the elephant is like a great wall and yet another says it is like a spear.
So...I wonder to myself...as I often do.....if we are all just experiencing "GOD" as blind individuals. We are limited by our physical container and even further limited by our experience driven perceptions.

IF "GOD" exists......then theoretically science can one day detect "him". When that day comes, will we recognize what we are "looking" at?? And if we do....will we think of "GOD" as awesome....or....will we be disappointed?

2007-03-31T23:30:00.000-04:00

Incredible Mars discovery!!!!!

This is *the* best picture of water on Mars that I've ever seen!!!

Aprile Pazzo

2007-03-30T09:21:00.000-04:00

Christina's World

2007-03-25T21:36:00.000-04:00

The Last Mimzy....

I have to say, that I really loved this movie. Superficially, the movie has a couple of cute kids that are sweet without being sickly like the Welch's grapejuice kids.....

On a deeper level that I have to say that my own kids were too young to understand, I thought that the message was one that was more involved and valuable than that of "Happy Feet" (which was a movie that I didn't like at all).
The movie talks (subtley) about damage that we are doing to ourselves on a genetic level, to the environment and the possible ramifications that it has for our future - destruction. It has a child-like solution but the premise and subtleties were sound IMO. It was a story of caution...and hope.

I do wonder how many adults will understand the message of the movie.....

2007-03-24T23:40:00.000-04:00

Toronto

2007-03-20T20:36:00.000-04:00

HHGTTG

...yes...it's true, I actually came across people who had never, ever, never, ever ...evereverevereverever.....heard of Douglas Adams.....(which I am presently re-reading..)

Oh. My.

2007-03-16T21:52:00.000-04:00

I can't find my copy of "Holy Blood and the Holy Grail"......which is a much better book in my opinion.

2007-03-10T01:23:00.000-05:00

2007-03-05T09:54:00.000-05:00

Rue Bagg

I came across a Blog entry the other day talking about Boulevard Saint Laurent.
The memories came flooding back.
I lived in Montreal for 2 years while going to McGill....I have mixed emotions about the whole experience. I lived with 2 other girls on "Bagg Street". I loved one of my roomates but the other one and I were at odds. That, in conjunction with the difficult program that I was in, the brutal cold and darkness of Montreal....it was not the best experience.

But

There was a light during that dark time for me: Saint Laurent.

While the students in my program spent time on Crescent street, I spent hours and hours in so many of the shops along St. Lawrence Blvd.
S.W. Welch was one such store. I loved that dusty bookshop. I would find some interesting book and park my butt on a dusty couch or broken chair. The cats of the place would sometimes grace me with mild interest but for the most part they just slept curled up in some corner . It was a santuary during the bitter, winter days. I loved going there on a sunny saturday and just peruse a few books while the dust played in the sunbeams coming through the windows.
It's leaving the street apparently.
Moving locations like I did.

As I read that Blog I was saddened to hear of other places that I ~~adored~~ having disappeared from St. Lawrence Blvd.

The European Bakery - had the BEST bread in the whole world. Apparently its been shut down

Warshaws - where I bought all my food except for the bread of course. And where I bought my dishes, cutlery, notepads and tons of other finds in its eclectic inventory. I miss Warshaws the most. Apparently its gone.

I dont have the heart to see if Shwartz's is gone....or the ice cream stand that was only open in the summer and had *the* best chocolate banana ice cream in the world.

Around the corner, just north of Bagg st. was a side street with a few antique shops.....I dont remember the name....Rue Duluth? The Portuguese area.
When I first moved there it was filled quaint shops...but more importantly, my laundry mat, my most favorite portuguese restaurant in the world was there and my portuguese bakery for pasteries. Is all that still there? Hours I spent in that laundry mat, watching "Roseanne" on the small television with the bad reception when I should have been studying. Folding clothes. Listening to all the accents and languages from the different patrons. Who knew I would look fondly at that time LMAO.

Ahh....Montreal......so much of it fills me with dread when I think of it...that time. It was my loneliest time in the world. So far from home, far from family, far from my true friends. It was so cold. My room had no heating unlike the rest of the apartment I shared. I discovered the joys of flannel sheets and flannel jammies in Montreal lol.
Other good things in Montreal: Chocolate fondue parties, Bodum coffee from Warshaw's, fresh foreign cheeses - not that orange shit that my kids insist on eating. Melt in your mouth bread, french television, Le Metro (subway), Old Montreal.
Bad things: my roomate, the cold, the darkness that started to creap in at 3 pm, the snow, french television lol, the phone bills, no computer, the homework.

B eatty Hall at McGill.
(The Audiology program is no longer available)

Montreal....I miss you.

2007-03-04T09:17:00.000-05:00

2007-03-01T20:10:00.000-05:00

It's snowing again......

*strumming fingers*

....I'm still waiting for spring.

2007-02-27T00:29:00.000-05:00

Wanted:

Spring Blossoms......

......I Am Sick Of The Snow.

2007-02-21T21:29:00.000-05:00

......emotionally drained......

2007-02-19T00:47:00.000-05:00

Betwixt.....

In the twilight of awake and sleepiness....I have my best thoughts. It is when I am the most cognisant of my inner core....it is when I am the most aware of my ~one~ with everything. I am a poet, a philosopher, a spiritual being.....a humanist, an intellect, a theologian. My outer skin is shed; the internal is ~all~.

.....I am eternal.

At the dawn of sleep and wakefulness ....I am at peace with myself. My dreams have passed. My tethering to the illusion of life starts anew.

....I am finite.

~Christina

2007-02-18T19:15:00.000-05:00

2007-02-15T21:24:00.000-05:00

LADY ICICLE
~ Emily Pauline Johnson (Tekahionwake)

Little Lady Icicle is dreaming in the north-land
And gleaming in the north-land, her pillow all aglow;
For the frost has come and found her
With an ermine robe around her
Where little Lady Icicle lies dreaming in the snow.

Little Lady Icicle is waking in the north-land,
And shaking in the north-land her pillow to and fro;
And the hurricane a-skirling
Sends the feathers all a-whirling
Where little Lady Icicle is waking in the snow.

Little Lady Icicle is laughing in the north-land,
And quaffing in the north-land her wines that overflow;
All the lakes and rivers crusting
That her finger-tips are dusting,
Where little Lady Icicle is laughing in the snow.

Little Lady Icicle is singing in the north-land,
And bringing from the north-land a music wild and low;
And the fairies watch and listen
Where her silver slippers glisten,
As little Lady Icicle goes singing through the snow.

Little Lady Icicle is coming from the north-land,
Benumbing all the north-land where'er her feet may go;
With a fringe of frost before her
And a crystal garment o'er her,
Little Lady Icicle is coming with the snow.

2007-02-14T21:45:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day....

T'was a snow day....and all schools were cancelled. Out of desperation, I invited a playmate for each of my kids so that I wouldn't have to keep hearing: "I'm boooored......*whine*" from them right after hearing: "YAY! NO SCHOOL TODAY".

All in all it was a good day.....

2007-02-13T00:29:00.000-05:00

I'm going to hell for this one.....and if you laugh, you're coming with me......pack light.

2007-02-10T00:51:00.000-05:00

2007-02-08T18:52:00.000-05:00

My 7 year old son has learned how to play chess. I figure I only have about 6 mos before he finally starts to kick my ass....I am barely winning now....crickey....

2007-02-06T23:56:00.000-05:00

I saw this beautiful Canadian winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you.
It was to me, and it's very well written.
ENJOY!

" WINTER " a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

" SHIT It's Cold !"

The End

2007-02-04T16:18:00.000-05:00

2007-02-03T16:54:00.000-05:00

Aloneness beyond Loneliness

The more I communicate with people the more I realize that it's all just a futile and collossal waste of time.
I keep falling into some misguided and pathetic delusion that I am actually making sense, that somehow I am clearly conveying concepts. Then..someone says something and I realize that it is impossible to portray any thought in my head purely and innocently.

Does no one else see the loneliness in this?

I'm almost 40 and I continue propogating the same idealistic and childish fantasy that kindred spirits actually exist "out there" and that I have the hope of connecting with any of them.

Someone kick me in the head please. I give up.

I think that's why I don't actually blog using words that much....because I *know* that it will come back and bite me in the ass. So...off I go now to try to find an image of some sort to express my utter frustration and "aloneness".

2007-01-27T22:37:00.000-05:00

Meet "Dave".....

I just bought a laptop table named "Dave" from Ikea and im completely beside myself with glee ~~

...a necessary addition for the health of my back, so that I stop doing work at the coffee table and actually sit properly in a chair.....

2007-01-20T00:44:00.000-05:00

I did something stupid to my back 2 days ago.....I haven't been able to do anything other than lie on the couch and watch tv. I didn't know it was possible...but I am officially sick of the tele.

So.

I am mending.....just in case anyone was wondering where I was. I am lost in the wastelands of the "tube".

Good thing we got that new tv eh?

The "gold gym" thing.....thats not what is going to come out of this I'm afraid....

2007-01-16T00:56:00.000-05:00

Tea cups make me happy.....

Along with my tea addiction I have an accompanying tea cup obsession.
I *must* have a fine bone china tea cup or mug to drink my tea from, or it just won't do. Given that, I buy a new tea cup from time to time (weekly *cough*) and I am fast approaching the time where I will have no more space to house my tea cups. Anyway...until that day happens...here is my newest addition that my husband gave to me from his recent trip to the U.K.
Everyone:

~~~bask in its loveliness~~~

2007-01-12T22:42:00.000-05:00

breathing under water...
... living under glass

2007-01-10T01:27:00.001-05:00

j'ennui

2007-01-08T11:34:00.000-05:00

My new love affair.....

We bought a new 40" Sony television on Boxing day....and with it came a HD cable box with a PVR (personal video recorder) to try out "free" for 10 mos.
It's as if the heavens opened up and God smiled on me lol.

I always paid a ridiculous price for television shows that I never had time to watch....and now, I have set the PVR on auto record for all of them. I come down in the morning etc. and there on my PVR waiting for me....is a treasure chest of great television! I'm in heaven lol.

Anyway....that's where I've been.....

2007-01-02T01:15:00.000-05:00

You'll never guess what I did.....

...This would have been a lovely and romantic New Year's passage

.....if I had spent it that way lol.

However, my family and I went to a neighbour's home for a New Year's get together. We ate, the kids ran amuck, we ate some more....and we sang karaoke.

Yes.
We did.

And..I am sad to report...that contrary to my prior fantasy that I had regarding my singing voice....I do indeed suck. In fact, "suck" doesn't quite go far enough lol. I always thought I was an "ok" singer.....nothing you would write home about, but nothing that would make children cry in fear either.
You know what? I'm not even "ok".

*standing up*...My name is Christina, and I am a bad singer.

Suck suck suck.

*headhang*

Such is my lot in life. It was fun as hell though lol.

2006-12-31T17:32:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!

2007

2006-12-29T01:04:00.000-05:00

Forgiveness is the new black.....

From: notes from the trenches

I was going to blog something myself....but I am never ever as eloquent as this lady....I love her blogs. She doesn't know me, and doesn't know that she actually touches my life with some of her insights...some that I share, some that I just appreciate.

This blog posting of hers was particularily poignant to me:

Forgiveness is the new black

2006-12-25T12:18:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas
...the best of wishes to you and to yours....

2006-12-25T01:14:00.000-05:00

Santa Anxiety....

My daughter was looking for reassurance that she was on the "Good List" as she called it. At first I thought it was cute....she was discussing it with me and rationalizing that she was a good girl because she shared, listened well, had a nice dress (?), and surely she was on the "Good List". When I realized this, naturally I reassured her and let her know that there was no question in the world that she was absolutely, undeniably on the "Good List" with Santa. Both her and her brother are wonderful children.

I've been thinking though and reflecting on my own "Santa anxiety" that I had as a child. My grandmother and mother used the threat of Santa all the time. If I didn't comply with whatever they wanted at the time...then Santa wouldn't come. If I didn't eat my veggies, if I didn't go to bed on time, if I didn't share with my brother......I ran the inevitable certainty that Santa would not come to my house. It was awful. I have a friend that does the same to her kids...I hate listening to it. Sufficed to say, I DON'T do that to my kids. Ever.

Where did it come from then I wonder?? School? TV? Friends? Daycare? My mother? I have no idea but I don't like it.

2006-12-24T00:49:00.000-05:00

It's a wrap!

I'm done. Done shopping. Done wrapping. My god...I. AM. DONE. what a brutal month. Im done. done done done done. done. Did I mention I was done?

Done.

*babble drool*

...done.
done done...done. done done. Done done done. finished.

2006-12-21T00:21:00.000-05:00

FaLaLaLaLa...LaLaLaLa.....

I started Christmas shopping early this year....well...that's not unusual, ever since I was preg with my daughter 5 years ago, I've started early. She was born in December and I pretty much should be done by the beginning of December so I can focus every single solitary thought on her birthday. Well....according to her anyway.

Anyway, so...I started early..... like...April....March. Stupid early.
I only finised last Tuesday.

my god
I don't think I want to do that ever again.

I think I purchased everything under the sun and to assuage my guilt, signed up to sponser a boy in Thailand through World Vision.
I strongly encourage everyone to do this.

go.
now.
run...don't walk.

2006-12-13T16:15:00.000-05:00

This is where I'm gonna hang out. Wanna come?:

Up For Discussion

2006-12-12T21:48:00.000-05:00

Happiness is.....

Kids in bed.
Husband out.
Kitten purring beside me.
Tea on hand.
Full tummy.
The Mummer's Dance (Loreena McKennitt) in background.......

my most favorite track is "Dante's Prayer"......

2006-12-11T16:31:00.000-05:00

Sweet.....Ulterior motives....

My daughter just came to tell me that she was going to write a letter to Santa.
She just turned 5 yesterday.

Me: "oh yeah?" I say somewhat disinterested...im cooking dinner

Her: "yeah...i'm going to write a letter saying "I love you very much Santa"

I perk up and place all my attention on her, thinking to myself that that was soooooo sweet and that she's a darling child.
Me: "what a nice thing to say to Santa!!"

Her: " yeah....'cause if I tell him that, he will bring me more presents"

....*sigh*....there's still hope right?

2006-12-10T22:26:00.000-05:00

Bratz Princess Roxxi...

Yay! The kids birthday party was today and only one whore doll.
Check this collagen-injected bad bitch out...seriously....~why~ would anyone give this thing to a 5 year old.???
Since it was only one...I let her keep her. I suspect a sad and terrible accident will befall the whore before the nativity scene disappears from the local church....

2006-12-09T14:32:00.000-05:00

Bratz.....

Tomorrow is my kids birthday...she's going to be 5. I am pretty sure someone is going to give her a whore doll....and I have no clue how I am going to deal with it.
Its bad enough that they are completely warped physically....they are dressed faaaarrrr too slutty for a 5 year old IMO.
Guh.
Right now, the plan is to trade whatever sleezy present she gets for a more age appropriate toy.

Help?

2006-12-06T20:17:00.000-05:00

I've had this picture for a bit. Can't think of a caption..but it cracks me up.
Sometimes, though, I think I'm married to this man.....

2006-12-05T23:01:00.000-05:00

2006-12-05T00:42:00.000-05:00

....As I xmas shop....I feel guilt....I am such a hypocrite....

2006-12-02T12:20:00.000-05:00

Toooooo busy and toooo Stressed.....
...no time to post.....

Sorry...read the archives or something........

2006-11-28T21:18:00.000-05:00

It was not a good day today.

2006-11-26T10:53:00.000-05:00

Hell

Today is picture day. For moms out there, you know what I mean. We are getting dressed in our finest...seeing Santa for pics....and going to Sears for "professional" pictures. Given that my daughters birthday is fast approaching, we have the high aspiration of taking her birthday picture, as well as the kids Christmas picture.
I swear it is the most stressful day of the year for me. We are now at the "fake smile" stage. You know what I am talking about: they pose for the camera semi-willingly (as opposed to a few years ago when we were in the "won't sit still stage"), but their smiles....are unnatural. They put on their "best"smile for the camera but it comes out looking like they are in pain and mommy is holding their new kitten hostage.
well.....at least they dont cry anymore as soon as they see a camera....

Addendum:

*gotta say.....the day started out crap. My son knocked over a small shelf and crushed an antique teacup/saucer of mine....I was not amused...and my daugher...*big sigh*....well...I discovered while we were getting ready for the monumental picture day that she cut her hair. By herself. On her own. For some unknown reason. chopped off a hunk of it on one side..and "trimmed' the other. I figure she did it the day before.....why? Who the hell knows...she's 4...soon to be 5. So...I resorted to clipping up one side and camoflaging the near disaster that way.
In the meanwhile....at the mall, Sears only had one camera working and they were running waaaay behind. I wasn't in a rush and agreed to wait. What choice did i have really, I have ****no***** time to go back between now and xmas. Turned out....they gave me about 50% off and a ton of freebies because of it.

****THRILLED*****

The pics went pretty well..and so did the Santa pics. All in all.....not a bad ending...
...well...except for the fact that its late, I should be in bed but i have discovered that my dishwasher is not draining water. *UGH*..messy.
That's a day in my life.

2006-11-24T12:50:00.000-05:00

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow.....

It's 11 degrees celcius outside. I can almost go put on shorts...or so it seems. Been rambing around on this sunny day sans a coat. Lovely weather really. So....why do I wish it would snow?
It's the end of November, I am not in the mood for xmas but she's-a-comin' I can feel it in my bones. Before christmas arrives I have to:
*finish xmas shopping - I actually think I am done...but the next thing has to happen before I know for sure....
*organize all the shit and wrap it...
*organize a soon-to-be 5 year olds birthday party (heaven preserve us)
*clean my house (although that never ends...and in all frankness, feel like it never starts)
*buy a wedding shower present.
*attend a wedding shower that I really super duper dont want to go to
*get the kids xmas pics taken at Sears and with the Jolly Fat man himself.
*get my kids new car seat installed
*do my usual shit
*clean 2 closets
*thin the herd of toys in the "kids" room.
*put up my xmas tree

So...why do I want it to snow? Cause Ive put up the outdoor lights and i *love* when they are on peeking thru snowdrifts (by "I" please insert: My husband put up the lights whilst I directed). Plus, I think snow would be a nice panic reminder to get off my ass and get shit done rather than (finally) catching up on emails and yahoogroup posts..and this blog.

Snow dammit....pretty, big, light, fluffy snowflakes......Snow....

Snowcrystals.com

2006-11-22T10:16:00.000-05:00

Do you *really* think that article will work? Check out India.....

ONLY IN INDIA ! CRAZY STUFF ! INSANE ! - Google Video

2006-11-22T10:06:00.000-05:00

European Cities Do Away with Traffic Signs

(Link to original)

By Matthias Schulz

Are streets without traffic signs conceivable? Seven cities and regions in Europe are giving it a try -- with good results.

Ben Behnke

Drachten in the Netherlands has gotten rid of 16 of its traffic light crossings and converted the other two to roundabouts.

"We reject every form of legislation," the Russian aristocrat and "father of anarchism" Mikhail Bakunin once thundered. The czar banished him to Siberia. But now it seems his ideas are being rediscovered.

European traffic planners are dreaming of streets free of rules and directives. They want drivers and pedestrians to interact in a free and humane way, as brethren -- by means of friendly gestures, nods of the head and eye contact, without the harassment of prohibitions, restrictions and warning signs.

A project implemented by the European Union is currently seeing seven cities and regions clear-cutting their forest of traffic signs. Ejby, in Denmark, is participating in the experiment, as are Ipswich in England and the Belgian town of Ostende.

The utopia has already become a reality in Makkinga, in the Dutch province of Western Frisia. A sign by the entrance to the small town (population 1,000) reads "Verkeersbordvrij" -- "free of traffic signs." Cars bumble unhurriedly over precision-trimmed granite cobblestones. Stop signs and direction signs are nowhere to be seen. There are neither parking meters nor stopping restrictions. There aren't even any lines painted on the streets.

"The many rules strip us of the most important thing: the ability to be considerate. We're losing our capacity for socially responsible behavior," says Dutch traffic guru Hans Monderman, one of the project's co-founders. "The greater the number of prescriptions, the more people's sense of personal responsibility dwindles."

Monderman could be on to something. Germany has 648 valid traffic symbols. The inner cities are crowded with a colorful thicket of metal signs. Don't park over here, watch out for passing deer over there, make sure you don't skid. The forest of signs is growing ever denser. Some 20 million traffic signs have already been set up all over the country.

Psychologists have long revealed the senselessness of such exaggerated regulation. About 70 percent of traffic signs are ignored by drivers. What's more, the glut of prohibitions is tantamount to treating the driver like a child and it also foments resentment. He may stop in front of the crosswalk, but that only makes him feel justified in preventing pedestrians from crossing the street on every other occasion. Every traffic light baits him with the promise of making it over the crossing while the light is still yellow.

"Unsafe is safe"

The result is that drivers find themselves enclosed by a corset of prescriptions, so that they develop a kind of tunnel vision: They're constantly in search of their own advantage, and their good manners go out the window.

The new traffic model's advocates believe the only way out of this vicious circle is to give drivers more liberty and encourage them to take responsibility for themselves. They demand streets like those during the Middle Ages, when horse-drawn chariots, handcarts and people scurried about in a completely unregulated fashion. The new model's proponents envision today's drivers and pedestrians blending into a colorful and peaceful traffic stream.

It may sound like chaos, but it's only the lesson drawn from one of the insights of traffic psychology: Drivers will force the accelerator down ruthlessly only in situations where everything has been fully regulated. Where the situation is unclear, they're forced to drive more carefully and cautiously.

Indeed, "Unsafe is safe" was the motto of a conference where proponents of the new roadside philosophy met in Frankfurt in mid-October.

True, many of them aren't convinced of the new approach. "German drivers are used to rules," says Michael Schreckenberg of Duisburg University. If clear directives are abandoned, domestic rush-hour traffic will turn into an Oriental-style bazaar, he warns. He believes the new vision of drivers and pedestrians interacting in a cozy, relaxed way will work, at best, only for small towns. But one German borough is already daring to take the step into lawlessness. The town of Bohmte in Lower Saxony has 13,500 inhabitants. It's traversed by a country road and a main road. Cars approach speedily, delivery trucks stop to unload their cargo and pedestrians scurry by on elevated sidewalks.

The road will be re-furbished in early 2007, using EU funds. "The sidewalks are going to go, and the asphalt too. Everything will be covered in cobblestones," Klaus Goedejohann, the mayor, explains. "We're getting rid of the division between cars and pedestrians."

The plans derive inspiration and motivation from a large-scale experiment in the town of Drachten in the Netherlands, which has 45,000 inhabitants. There, cars have already been driving over red natural stone for years. Cyclists dutifully raise their arm when they want to make a turn, and drivers communicate by hand signs, nods and waving.

"More than half of our signs have already been scrapped," says traffic planner Koop Kerkstra. "Only two out of our original 18 traffic light crossings are left, and we've converted them to roundabouts." Now traffic is regulated by only two rules in Drachten: "Yield to the right" and "Get in someone's way and you'll be towed."

Strange as it may seem, the number of accidents has declined dramatically. Experts from Argentina and the United States have visited Drachten. Even London has expressed an interest in this new example of automobile anarchy. And the model is being tested in the British capital's Kensington neighborhood.

2006-11-19T22:18:00.001-05:00

UCLA Student Tasered by UCLA Police

If this were a peaceful demonstration, and the demonstrators wanted to use passive resistance...is this the expected outcome?

2006-11-18T23:36:00.000-05:00

Colour me Hope....!

My grandfather...spoke to me today!! For the first time in a month and a half...he spoke to me.

AND smiled...at me and my daughter!!

He didn't say much.....but they were actual words!!
I could not believe it. Called my dad....he can't believe it either. I'm in shock and stunned.
To say I am happy...is a complete understatement....

2006-11-18T01:07:00.000-05:00

La langue des folles ~ A lingua dos malucos

I find it interesting I have to admit...that depending on my mood, I seek out specific languages. I speak english...but my first language was portuguese, and when I was 8 yrs old, we moved to Quebec and I had to learn french.
My french was never strong. Even at my best, I would be hard pressed to call myself fluent, although others did. I spoke it fairly well...but it was obvious to anyone that I had definate limiations of expression. I never recieved formal instruction in any language other than english...at school in Quebec, I failed that year initially because of the language difficulties I had at the time. They agreed to pass me only because my parents agreed to pull me from the french school and ship me back to Toronto to live with my grandparents in order to go to school here. Hence my attachment to my grandparents. My fluency in french actually came later...but through disuse, I have lost much of it. Actually, lost isn't accurate....it's dormant. I know its all there....and I know that it could be easily recaptured.
My portuguese remains very good.
I am asked by a curious friend of mine questions about my bi(tri)lingualism. Do I think in other languages? Do I dream in other languages? Mostly....I don't think in any language. I just think.

Don't you?

I think almost in color...in texture...in nuance....in mood.....my thoughts are too fast for words typically. However, when I do realize that there are actual words in my head...they tend to be in english. In particular when I'm theorizing or pondering something in my head...if words can be used, they are english. I cannot express any complicated idea in any language other than english. It's impossible.
Having said that....I do find myself periodically dreaming in another language. For some reason I remember dreaming in french typically. Dunno why.
When I am content...and alone...often if I am walking....I am starting to realize that I often catch myself thinking...feeling....in portuguese. Dunno why.
But...when I am sad.....when I am ... in heartache...melancholy....lost.....I find myself in french.

I wonder, of late...whether its because of global feelings associated with the specific times in my life when I was immersed in those particular languages.....or....if there is something particularily inherant in that specific language that lends itself to a mood easier than others. There are phrases or words in the languages that I know that are perfect to capture a meaning of something.....something that requires more than one word to express in another language.....I either know more of these sad words in french...or, french is a sad language lol. Or, I am pathetically insane..never discount that lol.

Musing further....for me...french and portuguese are like good food......the texture of the language, the feel of it in my mouth....the sound of it in my ears...they are decadent; full-bodied; rich; flavorful. English....for me....is just english. A means of communicating. There isn't anything "pretty" about english to my ears....nothing...rich....no words that capture a feeling as perfectly as those few emotion words that I know in the "romance" languages. English is pragmatic.....the others are emotional. ~~~ It is 1:45 am. The house is asleep. I'm listening to Loreena McKennitt (Dante's Prayer). Like nights lit with the brightness of a full moon ..... I ~feel~ connected to the world, and I feel alone. Not lonely...just alone with my thoughts. My memories. I feel haunted. *shaking head*....too much sharing for one night me thinks......G'nite.....

2006-11-17T22:13:00.000-05:00

Je suis triste.....sans espoir.....I am without hope.......

......the day is past.......and I have been thinking about everything.....two doctors have called now to get more information about him....it has become clearer to me now....

......this sucks.

I was so relieved earlier today to have *something*...*some* diagnosis....*some* inkling of what the hell was going on. Now I just feel empty again.
I am sad. So sad.
I didn't realize before that by not knowing, I had hope.
Now I know...and the hope is gone for me. I'm pretty darn sure that my grandfather will never look at me and smile his knowing smile again...ever. I'm pretty sure that I won't hear his voice again. I can't believe *that* time..the time that I never truly believed would come...is coming. I am going to miss him so much...I already do.
How do people stand it? How do people stand to keep living when their child dies...or their families do. This is my grandfather....and elderly man who is reaching the end of his time....it's a natural death...a natural end.....its sad but not tragic....how do people live with tragedies.

I can't even imagine. I don't want to ever know.

I hope, with all my soul, that my grandfather doesn't linger for years like my grandmother did.

2006-11-17T11:55:00.000-05:00

FINALLY! An answer.....

For those of you having followed the saga of my grandfathers sudden transformation.....he went from a fully functioning elderly man who would get into his scooter and go to the mall to hang with his pals....to...a man who sits in bed and is almost completely unresponsive. He hasn't smiled at me in over a month....doesn't talk...is barely able to eat.

The CT scan indicates that he had a frontal lobe stroke. It's not good news....but at least it's news. We *finally* know *something*.

2006-11-16T22:50:00.000-05:00

Colic and Natalie.....

My son had bad, bad, bad, colic. When he was about a month old, you could set a clock by him....7 pm he would start to cry and be inconsolable and wouldn't stop until about 2 am. It was nuts. My husband would come home from work and his job was to walk back and forth, and back and forth in the living room holding him...my job was to play a song over and over and over. One song in the whole wide world would keep him from crying. It would have been funny if we hadn't been so dang tired. I had to make sure that the song wouldn't go to the next track on the CD. My son could be crying and as soon as he heard the first note of this special song, he would clam up mid-cry; but, if the song went to the next track....he would start again.
Needless to say I know the song well....all the lyrics and every nuance.
Well...I have to say, this is *the* funniest thing ever to my husband and I...and a nice spin on a melancholy memory:

David Armand Torn With Natalie - BREAK.com

2006-11-15T22:51:00.000-05:00

I love sunflowers

2006-11-14T18:58:00.000-05:00

My grandfather is back in the hospital....we have no idea what is going on. I suspect that it's a "brain stem" thing.....he failed his swallowing assessment today and I also think that he may be back in the hospital for aspiration...

.....I am completely at a loss.......