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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

March 15, 2011

Lots has changed. Lots.

Since i last posted, I have separated from my husband. Things are rough. Where did it all start? I suppose it started in the beginning to be honest. He was always more "sexually inclined" than I was. In the year that we were to be married, I had herniated my disc in my back. It was months of therapy before i was "normal" again. In the interim, i was still expected to "perform" my "duties" as his partner. Its painful for me to post this. At that time I should have ended the engagement i know that now..but its hard to *know* that also because I have spent half of my life with this man. I have two children from the marriage so i cant entirely regret it yanno?
Things progressed. We were happy. Well..i was mostly happy anyway. Im not going to post all the details of the situation but things were never "right" in the bedroom. The things that were asked of me..i tried to comply with. But I see now that i should not have. He took what should have been an intimate and loving exchange between us..and turned it into a painful, emotionally unfulfiling event that lasted for hours at a time. Things became more...odd over time. I complied for a long while because i was under the impression that he was faithful..and i loved him and i didnt want to lose him. Time passed and we had two children. When my daughter was born, that was when i discovered his porn addiction. I tried again to be "ok" with it. But it became quickly apparent to me that his addiction was in control of our personal life. He demanded more...and in the end, i resisted more. I grew more depressed and more resentful of him and his inability to just love me as a human. I look back now and i dont think he ever did love me. Not *me*....perhaps just the idea of "me".

Life went on.

In Sept 2008...i found out that he had been looking at personal ads on Craigslist and other sites: "Men seeking women for discrete relationships".
He insisted that it was benign. I wanted to believe him. We went to counseling. I listened to his complaints regarding my "sins"..and i endeavored to change myself as much as possible. I did make alot of changes...but...it was pointless.

In January of 2010 i asked him if he was happy. He indicated that he was. He indicated that he was the happiest he had ever been and I asked him if he would be surprised to know that i was the most miserable i had ever been? He said nothing. No other words were spoken. I tried again a month later...and again, no conversation, no resolve, no interest.
I decided that the change had to come from me. I needed to see a councelor. I had two choices was the way i figured. Either i sort out my head and make peace with the fact that he was likely not being faithful to me....and accept him and accept my situation. OR...leave.

His reaction to my going to councelling..was extreme. His reaction to my desperation...was unacceptable. He tried more than once to manipulate me into a physical exchange with him. All he cared about was his physical need to "release"....again, it was always only about that. I refused time and again and his desperation was..unsettling and admittedly frightening. For the first time..i was actually afraid of him.
We went to councelling. All he was interested in doing in councelling though was to let me know how horrible i was as a human etc. He wasnt really interested in "fixing" anything. It was about him being "right". period.
May 2010 i took off my wedding ring...forever.

The summer passed with my trying to give him time to adjust to the inevitable. He tried to convince me otherwise many times. I drafted a separation agreement and he rejected signing it until August....WHEN he found an old friend that he had always been interested in. Then...he couldnt wait to get rid of me. I took advantage of his eagerness and i moved heaven and earth to go to the lawyer and draft up papers that would be equitable to both of us...but i had the childrens best interests in mind.
I didnt ask for spousal. I accepted a settlement that seemed somewhat fair...although he disagrees. Apparently he "worked harder" in our relationship than i did. Despite the fact that he appears to lose his job every 1.5 years. Im convinced that his repeated job loss is directly due to the fact that he is incapable of telling a simple truth to anyone.
But i digress.
Papers were signed in October. I found a perfect house in November. More on that later.
I got possession on Dec 20, 2010 and i moved on the 26th.

Since then, hes found a girlfriend..and has become more hateful and caustic to me. He emotionally black mails the children and twists everything around that i say. Its horrible.

Anyway, Ive restarted this blog to try to "journal" a bit. I have so much frustration and upset inside of me with regards to how quickly he has cast me aside and vilified me that i cant even breathe at times.
He is NOT the man that i thought he was. I cant believe how stupid i have been.

Sunday, November 23, 2008


To summarize the past 6 mos. We took a homeless family in and let them live with us for 2 mos. I asked nothing from them and tried to move heaven and earth to keep them from being deported. In the end, we were taken advantage of. Then I had some "issues" with my husband (which we are still working on). And of late, I thought i had developed a true friendship with a woman that I ride the commuter train with and she had just finished walking all over me. Im so done with people it isnt funny. And people wonder why i have trust issues??

Sunday, November 09, 2008

*IF* I were to have a tattoo, this is what it would be.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

One year later.....

....and Madeleine McCann is still missing.

Why did they leave her alone??


Thursday, April 03, 2008

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Happy Easter

Sunday, March 09, 2008


When I was younger, I spent some time deciding on my "favorites". These things seem to be important when you are in grade school and I had ensured that I would not be left out of these profound proclamations should I ever be quizzed.

Favorite color - purple. A colour that represented mysticism to me. It is the "unknown". The magic of the universe to me. A colour that I have come now to realize had some biblical and historical significance. Who knew at my tender age I would have been able to select something that came to have a revered meaning to it.

Favourite number - 27 and 9.

Favorite season - Autumn - a moderate season filled with joyful colours. The season often represents a latter part of a person's life in symbolic literary circles - but for me, the fall was always representative of new beginnings and happiness. It was always the start of school and of new friends. It was the promise of halloween and thanksgiving and Christmas to come. I still love the fall.

The problem with "favorites" always came to songs, books and movies. There were so many to choose from. So many that offered different pleasures to me personally that one could not choose. I can tell you my favorite artist. Loreena McKennitt. Why? I guess, she is like "purple" to me.
I still cannot tell you my favorite song. I can select song"s" that I really like. I can select song"s" that have some significance for me. I cannot pick one to be my favorite.
The same problem comes with books. I can say that after this past summer I definately rank the Harry Potter series at the top of my list. I waited until the J.K Rowling published all of them before I read them and this summer was a Potterpalooza festival for me as I ran through them all like butter and a hot knife. They were delicious - well written and pure pleasure.

Now we come to the movie section. Tonight, I just finished watching a movie that I thought was exemplary and ranks as one of 3 contenders for the "my favorite movie" title. Wit. The movie is called "Wit" with Emma Thompson. Before posting this addition to my blog I actually went looking to see if Emma Thompson had a website or *something* so that I could send a simple message to her. A message that would have just said: "Bravo! The best movie I have ever seen so far. Bravo!"
Alas, I could not find such a site so I have come to my blog mostly out of frustration at not being able to deliver my message.
The movie has an incredible dialogue, a fantastic delivery and Ms. Thompson is absolutely incredible as Vivian. Incredible. Incredible.
So, even though my reading audience is quite small - I just wanted to send a message out to Ms. Thompson and say: "Bravo".

Before I leave, I suspect that there may be a question about who the other two contenders are?
"Love actually" - another movie with Emma Thompson. It is a movie highlighting the lives of several people in it via vignettes and it illustrates the many faces of "love". It is fantastic.
And the last movie is a children's movie called "The Last Mimzy". The movie signifies "hope" to me.

Anyway. That's it. My "favorites".

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