Subjective Reality

It's very odd really......I tend to be a very chatty person IRL....and in the past, it was quite typical of me to delve into my personal "issue" all the time. As I get older though, I am (finally) finding myself more reclusive as "shit hits the fan". Posting to inform people is .... not a natural thing I do anymore. For one thing I figure who gives a shit really....and for another thing, internet life has taught me that sympathetic ears are few and anything you post can and will be used against you.

Anyway.....enough with the cryptic eh? What has been going on? This (in no particular order):

1. my grandfather is still...catatonic? Seriously...he is...and we have no idea why. He is back at the nursing home. He is over the menningitis (?never confirmed 100%). His pneumonia is better although he still has a nasty cough. But he is almost completely unresponsive. AND....you can almost pose him. He will react somewhat to sound...but only by changing his face. If you raise an arm or his...he leaves it in that position. Move his leg...he leaves it in that position. He won't feed himself, he can't walk, he can't (?)/won't talk...doesn't repsond in anyway. My stepmom is a nurse and she is convinced that he has some sort of catatonic depression. He does suffer from depression from time to time and it seems as though he has completely regressed into his mind. He hasnt had a stroke....we can find no organic cause for why he is like this....could he be sooo depressed?? It would make sense, he is in a nursing home that he agreed to go to in order to be with my grandmother, she died in august...they were married over 60 years. 60 plus years!!! Can you even wrap your head around that???? I saw it..and i cant. How do you go on after that? He has always had a "touch of the melancholy" that I have recognized...I have it too. I can understand this...but how do we get him out??? My step mother wants electric shock therapy and I have no other suggestions.
The really bizzare thing is...this all resulted over the course of a weekend. He was ok on a friday....got sick and has been like this ever since the monday. That was over a month ago now. Thoughts and suggestions are greatly appreciated.

2. Ive been spending too much money on "shit"...most of its xmas presents but not all. Thats what I do when Im stressed.

3. Ive been working toooooo much and not spending enough time on the kids and the house..and its really bugging me. Im spread too thinly these days.....as i type this I am listening to my daughter, who is almost 5, playing on a toy keyboard singing her little heart out. I should be there with her...but im too tired to listen to her incessant chatter if i show up....and all the neverending questions...its exhausting.

4. All the shit with my grandfather and being in close contact with my dad is making things very interesting in my head. I have all sorts of conflicting emotions, all sorts of demons creeping up and biting me in the ass...messing with my head, my heart, my soul. I liked things repressed.....i dont want to visit the past and "fix it". Somethings are much better left repressed and unfixed. They cant be fixed. Sorry...dont mean to be cryptic but man, if i got into typing even a semblance of what thats about I would be here all freaking day. Scratch that...all week.

5. We got a new kitten....hes a handful...but cuter than anything.

6. Christmas is making me uber nervous.....unresolved conflict with my brother and...well...refer back to #4.

7. Im tired. Really tired. Exhausted actually. Insufficient sleep, too much stress.

8. Work is nuts....tooooooooooooooooo busy at work. Its also exhausting.

9. The estate shit from my grandmothers death and trying to make sense of my grandfathers shit is overwhelming. You dont want to know the money that my grandfather lost in the recent years from bad investments......something on the order of $800, 000 dollars. I want to vomit when i think of it.

10...."OTHER" ....all of the things that didnt come to mind at the moment but are making me nutso.

Anyway....the little one is crying for food so i have to go make lunch. There you go...a long post, with confusing information and an overwhelming sense of panic. Welcome to my head.