Thursday, July 19, 2007
Full Circle
....I mentioned briefly that I have become lately fixated on Facebook. It is an interesting phenomenon really.....connecting with people. You start off with some innocuous people in your life....and then it spreads out.
You start seeking out the past.
You start to seek out people that you haven't spoken with, thought of, or interacted with in years...years and years and years.
With some, you pick up where you left off without missing a beat, and with others the strained distrust and confusion takes over. I know I'm not the only one "seeking" at this time....Ive been contacted by a few people....even tonight someone from a lonnng time ago (not on facebook) called me out of the blue. Is it all coincidence?
When i was living in "the past", i couldn't wait to get away from it. It wasn't a pleasant time for me. High school was not the sunny fun filled place that it is often portrayed as. There were never hoards of friends that i "hung around" with. There aren't people that i pine for now either. There are only people that i wonder about.
Now, i am here looking back.
Why am i looking back?
My memories and ruminations are definitely more tempered and kinder than the reality was....and yet, i am under no disillusion about how uncomfortable that time was for me. So why look back now when i swore i never would? is it because i turned 40? am i trying to reconcile emotions long buried, yet somehow still intact? the broken memories trickle into my head at the most inopportune time. Am i seeking clarity? is it a more pragmatic reason? is it because i now have kids and i am desperately seeking guidance from my past self to help temper their passage throughout their future adolescence? to cushion it?
I have no freaking clue.
You start seeking out the past.
You start to seek out people that you haven't spoken with, thought of, or interacted with in years...years and years and years.
And there they are.
Living their lives.With some, you pick up where you left off without missing a beat, and with others the strained distrust and confusion takes over. I know I'm not the only one "seeking" at this time....Ive been contacted by a few people....even tonight someone from a lonnng time ago (not on facebook) called me out of the blue. Is it all coincidence?
When i was living in "the past", i couldn't wait to get away from it. It wasn't a pleasant time for me. High school was not the sunny fun filled place that it is often portrayed as. There were never hoards of friends that i "hung around" with. There aren't people that i pine for now either. There are only people that i wonder about.
Now, i am here looking back.Why am i looking back?
My memories and ruminations are definitely more tempered and kinder than the reality was....and yet, i am under no disillusion about how uncomfortable that time was for me. So why look back now when i swore i never would? is it because i turned 40? am i trying to reconcile emotions long buried, yet somehow still intact? the broken memories trickle into my head at the most inopportune time. Am i seeking clarity? is it a more pragmatic reason? is it because i now have kids and i am desperately seeking guidance from my past self to help temper their passage throughout their future adolescence? to cushion it?
I have no freaking clue.
