Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Save the child; Sacrifice the childhood....
As established before...I am an overprotective worry wort mother. Its true. I worry about everything and when it comes to my kids...my worry is limitless.
Its truly counterproductive and unhealthy.
*sigh*As established before...I am an overprotective worry wort mother. Its true. I worry about everything and when it comes to my kids...my worry is limitless.
Its truly counterproductive and unhealthy.
My oldest is 8 years old. A few months ago, there was a bus accident 10 Kms from my house. The school bus driver lost control of the bus on the highway and the bus ended up in the centre median on the highway. All it did was do a wicked fishtail. The bus did not roll over or hit anything. Many children ended up with broken bones....but more importantly, one child died from a severe head injury. He was 8 also. Needless to say, i have wrapped that knowledge around me every night like a macabre blanket....feeding it, nurturing it....and obsessing.
On my sons last school trip, I drove him rather than have him go on the bus. I followed the bus in the car and dropped him off with his classmates when we reached our destination so he could partake in the trip. At the end of the day, I collected my son and drove him back home following the bus again. The sensible part of me was locked away in a dark vault in the back of my mind......and it howled and fought to get out. I knew that what i was doing was actually more detrimental to my kid than just putting him on that bus and letting him go with his classmates. I knew that i was taking a part of the dark fear that lives inside me, and seeding in my sons heart.
I knew.
Tomorrow, is another school trip with the summer camp. On a bus. Likely on the highway. These trips happen twice a week for the entire summer. I rearranged my entire work schedule in order to be able to go on these trips....in order to drive him. I overheard my son talking to a friend of his about this. He told him that I was driving him so that he could be safe; that he was afraid of the bus tipping or something. It stopped me dead in my tracks. What the hell am I doing?
I want my kids to be safe and to grow old...but at what cost? My mother has already made me so scared about everything...do I really want to pass that heirloom on to my children??
So.
I spoke to him tonight. We talked about the likelihood of something "bad" happening and that he was pretty much safe to go. He expressed his anxiousness, and I listened. I listened to him echo the words and fears that he "borrowed" from me. I say "borrowed" because I hope I am not too late. I hope that the damage that Ive done can be reversed and I hope that my kid isn't afraid of living life like I am. I don't want him to be a risk taker...but I also don't want him living in a closet afraid of the boogie man like I am.
So dear reader....here I sit writing this. Feeling scared. Feeling worried. Knowing that I am doing the right thing, but wishing I had a paper bag to breathe into.
On my sons last school trip, I drove him rather than have him go on the bus. I followed the bus in the car and dropped him off with his classmates when we reached our destination so he could partake in the trip. At the end of the day, I collected my son and drove him back home following the bus again. The sensible part of me was locked away in a dark vault in the back of my mind......and it howled and fought to get out. I knew that what i was doing was actually more detrimental to my kid than just putting him on that bus and letting him go with his classmates. I knew that i was taking a part of the dark fear that lives inside me, and seeding in my sons heart.
I knew.
Tomorrow, is another school trip with the summer camp. On a bus. Likely on the highway. These trips happen twice a week for the entire summer. I rearranged my entire work schedule in order to be able to go on these trips....in order to drive him. I overheard my son talking to a friend of his about this. He told him that I was driving him so that he could be safe; that he was afraid of the bus tipping or something. It stopped me dead in my tracks. What the hell am I doing?
I want my kids to be safe and to grow old...but at what cost? My mother has already made me so scared about everything...do I really want to pass that heirloom on to my children??
So.
I spoke to him tonight. We talked about the likelihood of something "bad" happening and that he was pretty much safe to go. He expressed his anxiousness, and I listened. I listened to him echo the words and fears that he "borrowed" from me. I say "borrowed" because I hope I am not too late. I hope that the damage that Ive done can be reversed and I hope that my kid isn't afraid of living life like I am. I don't want him to be a risk taker...but I also don't want him living in a closet afraid of the boogie man like I am.
So dear reader....here I sit writing this. Feeling scared. Feeling worried. Knowing that I am doing the right thing, but wishing I had a paper bag to breathe into.
Comments:
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Elron is right you know. Your children have the mother I wish I could be.
Letting go is never easy. Not letting them in on your fears is even harder. I struggle with that daily with Haley. How much to shelter her, how much to ever let her "know" (and you know what I'm talking about here).
You're a good mom chica. really really
B
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Letting go is never easy. Not letting them in on your fears is even harder. I struggle with that daily with Haley. How much to shelter her, how much to ever let her "know" (and you know what I'm talking about here).
You're a good mom chica. really really
B
# posted by 
: July 19, 2007 10:11 PM
: July 19, 2007 10:11 PM << Home
